


Gravity's Hold

by domo (aroceu)



Series: Generosity [10]
Category: Super Junior
Genre: Backstory, Borderline Personality Disorder, Character Study, Depression, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-12-09
Updated: 2010-12-09
Packaged: 2017-10-28 07:28:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/305346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aroceu/pseuds/domo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>can't find the pieces for the increasing unknown</p>
            </blockquote>





	Gravity's Hold

**Author's Note:**

  * For [yeolee](https://archiveofourown.org/users/yeolee/gifts).



> Sungki, Chiyeon and all the students are made up characters. I tried to stick with some facts, though as you can see, I got carried away a little xD; (Also, two scenes are actually from my life, but whatever).  
> Kyumin moment was purely by accident I swear (if you know me, you'll know what parts weren't accidental xD;) Again, I tried to keep the detail as factual as I could (or at least as factual as fanfiction can be.)
> 
> Title from a song by Tim Be Told. For my one and only Eva ♥

Kyuhyun’s four years old and he’s helping his mother with the dishes. His mother is scrubbing the last of the soap remains on the dish she’s holding and handing it to him when footsteps bound down the stairs, and his older sister appears in the doorway.

“Ahra,” his mother says to her immediately. “Why don’t you help us with the dishes?”

Ahra pouts; she’s a few years older than Kyuhyun, though Kyuhyun feels like she’s an adult already—despite this facial expression she makes, which makes Kyuhyun giggle. “Fine,” she says, and comes over to Kyuhyun to help him load the china into the dishwasher.

“You have a little bit of soap on your face,” Kyuhyun says with a chuckle, and bats his small hands at his sister.

Ahra laughs, which sounds like windchimes, and Kyuhyun smiles.

 

*

 

They’re playing kickball in the playground and Kyuhyun’s up to bat. The other second graders laugh and clap as he jumps around and gets himself ready.

The pitcher boy grins to Kyuhyun. “Are you ready Kyuhyun?”

Kyuhyun smirks back. “I’m ready!”

The ball rolls along the blacktop and Kyuhyun kicks it, he kicks it as hard as he can—but it lands to the side and one of the other boys picks it up and throws it at Kyuhyun. Kyuhyun laughs, and rolls his eyes.

“I told you guys I’m not good at this game,” he says to them.

The boys on his team roll their eyes and say, “Yeah, yeah.”

Kyuhyun sends them one last grin before going over to the bench on the side, and picks up the book he had left behind earlier.

 

*

 

Two years later, his father comes home as Kyuhyun’s working at the dinner table and he comes up to him. “Wow, my boy!” he exclaims upon seeing his son. “It’s like you’ve become a man already!”

Kyuhyun turns and a wide smile spreads across his face. “Daddy!” he exclaims, and runs towards him. His father picks him up and twirls him around, and Kyuhyun laughs as his legs dangle in the air.

They hear footsteps behind them and his mother shows up in the doorway. A bright smile is on her face as well, and she calls, “Ahra, come down!” up the stairs while Kyuhyun’s father settles him down back on the floor.

Ahra bounds down, covered feet lightly hitting the wooden ground, and looks over with an annoyed expression on her face. “Mom, what is—Daddy!” She runs over to his father as well and his father picks Ahra up, though a little lower since she’s taller and heavier than Kyuhyun, and smiles down at his daughter.

“It’s so good to see you guys again,” he says.

Their family laughs as joyous laughter rings in their ears, and Kyuhyun buries his head into the back of his father’s jacket, enjoying the smell of the fresh rain.

 

*

 

There are tears threatening to fall from Kyuhyun’s face as the girl gives him a strange look, and pulls her hand away. “No, I don’t want to be science partners with you,” she says to him. “I’m always partners with Sooyeon; you should know that by now.”

“Oh.” Kyuhyun’s hand drops, and the wave of rejection hits him in the face as his eight-year old body turns around and walks towards his friends, who had been watching on.

One of his friends pats him on the back encouragingly. “It’s okay, Kyuhyun-ah,” he says to him. “She wasn’t that good-looking anyways. Besides, it’s only a science lab.”

Kyuhyun nods and manages to pull a smile on his face. “Yeah, whatever,” he replies. “She doesn’t know what she’s missing, anyways.”

As his friends chime in agreement, Kyuhyun can’t help but despise the pains of such elementary heartbreak.

 

*

 

Sungki’s one of the most popular kids in school, and Kyuhyun wants nothing more than to become friends with him; the fact that they’re only ten years old is hardly in his mind. So he does his best to impress him, and begs his mom for twenty dollars so he can give the boy he doesn’t know too well a twenty-dollar Christmas present.

The boy accepts it and smiles at the box in his hands. “Wow,” he says, nodding. He’s impressed, and Kyuhyun feels accomplished. “Kyuhyun, right? This is pretty cool.” He shakes it and smiles at the rattling noise. “What is it?”

“A game,” Kyuhyun replies honestly. “One that I know you’ve wanted for a while. So I decided to get you it.”

“You shouldn’t have,” the boy says to him, though the smile on his face doesn’t make Kyuhyun regret it at all.

 

*

 

Kyuhyun joins their church worship team after he’s baptized at age eleven ( _Such a young age_ , adults have commented, and Kyuhyun swells with pride). He sings and everyone smiles at the sound of his rich voice.

Afterwards, he prays, with beautiful words flowing out of his lips. When he’s done, the congregation gets up and everyone starts to leave. Adults start swarming around Kyuhyun.

“You were so good!” they tell him. “Such a good singer, and a good Christian too!”

Kyuhyun smiles, modesty radiating from his body.

 

*

 

“Fuck!” Kyuhyun spits as he trips over a sheet of ice. In front of him, the most popular boy in school laughs and turns around to him.

“Nice going, Kyu,” he snorts, and Kyuhyun tells himself that his tone is friendly, merely teasing. The other friends laugh too, and Kyuhyun does his best to laugh at himself.

“Hey, I could have gotten myself a broken bone or something,” Kyuhyun says defensively, though he makes sure that his tone is equally friendly and teasing.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.” The most popular boy in school’s best friend turns back to the street, which is dimly lit by the lanterns on the side. “So hey, are we egging Yeochun’s house tonight or what? I didn’t bring a half dozen of those things for nothing, you know.”

Kyuhyun laughs and the other boys say, “Hell yeah!”

 

*

 

“Kyuhyun, I see you have a real talent for math,” his teacher says as he’s handing back the quizzes. There’s a large, red  _100%_  on Kyuhyun’s paper, and Kyuhyun stares at it and feels like his eyes are hurting.

Kyuhyun shrugs. “I guess,” he says, and glances back up to his teacher.

His teacher taps his paper and smiles. “You should join the Math Olympiad,” he encourages. “We could really use a student like you.”

Kyuhyun shrugs again. “I’ll think about it.”

 

*

 

“Chiyeon’s such an asshole,” Sungki tells Kyuhyun, and Kyuhyun is nodding and listening. “I mean, yeah, he’s my best friend and all, but he’s always on ragging on other people to their face. I mean, it’s kind of rude.”

Kyuhyun doesn’t make a remark about people saying bad things about others behind their backs, and nods eagerly. “Yeah, I know. And he smells weird, too. I mean, hasn’t the guy heard of deodorant?”

“Exactly!” The most popular boy in school looks at Kyuhyun with a bright smile on his face, as if relieved that someone has understood him, and at this, Kyuhyun can’t help but feel a little bit pleased with himself.

 

*

 

“Kyuhyun. Do your homework.”

It’s eleven o’clock at night and Kyuhyun is staring at his computer, eyes wide with interest as they focus on the screen. He shoots his head up to glare at his mother, who’s standing at the edge of the staircase, watching him. There are bags under her eyes and she’s wearing an old robe and Kyuhyun can’t help feeling sorry for her.

But he pushes these thoughts away when she says her next words.

“You’re in middle school now, you should have more responsibility,” she continues.

Kyuhyun narrows his eyes and slides them up to glare at her. “I have plenty of responsibility,” he snaps. “And besides, I’ve done my homework already.” He ignores the fact that he has two exams tomorrow and he hasn’t opened up his backpack yet.

His mother sighs. “Then stop playing your computer games and go to sleep.”

Kyuhyun shoots his head back up. “But  _Mom_ ,” he whines, “you let Ahra stay up this late on the computer when  _she_  was my age.”

“Yeah, because she was studying.” His mother continues looking at him, expectantly. “Come on. Get up. Now.”

Annoyed, Kyuhyun shuts his laptop, and goes to the staircase where his mom is standing, muttering, “Studying my ass,” under his breath.

 

*

 

Kyuhyun scribbles on the piece of paper, frantically, and quickly hands it to Chiyeon before the teacher glances over at them. The teacher notices Kyuhyun behaving oddly, and turns his full attention on him.

“Mr. Cho!” he says suddenly. “What is the answer to number thirty-six?”

Kyuhyun briefly glanced down at the worksheet on his desk, and then answers, not missing a beat, “The Baekje Kingdom.”

The teacher nods curtly, and smiles slightly at him. “Well done, Kyuhyun,” he says. “You’re very bright, you know that?”

Kyuhyun turns a little pink and hides his head behind a book, as Chiyeon and all his classmates turn to look at him.

 

*

 

They’re in homeroom and Kyuhyun is chattering loudly with his friends, when suddenly the announcements for the top ranking students in their junior high school starts up. Kyuhyun doesn’t pay much attention, until he hears his name—

“... and Cho Kyuhyun in second place...”

“Nice!” Sungki laughs, reaching over to high-five him. Kyuhyun accepts the high-five, and grins.

“Who would’ve thought?” he says, and Chiyeon chuckles.

“Oh please. It’s not like we haven’t seen those perfect marks on your exams all the time,” he tells him, and his teacher comes over to congratulate him also. Kyuhyun wishes that they would wrap their arms around him in approval, but this is enough.

 

*

 

“When’s Dad coming home?” Kyuhyun asks Ahra, plopping his backpack on the chair next to his sister. Ahra looks up from studying in her textbook, and Kyuhyun notices that her eyes are weary.

“In a few days, I think,” she says to him. “He has another business trip. Also, can you be a little less hard on Mom? She’s having trouble dealing with his constant disappearance.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know.” Kyuhyun rolls his eyes and strides over to the refrigerator.

He can hear his sister sigh behind him, and passes it off as a result of stress from studying.

 

*

 

Kyuhyun hadn’t known when it started, but when he tries to talk to  _him_  again, the most popular boy in school (at least, he still is in Kyuhyun’s eyes), the boy brushes him off and turns away. Kyuhyun wonders what he’s done; there’s got to be a reason why he’s ignoring him.

He asks Chiyeon one day, and Chiyeon just sends him a glower that slightly mimics the look that the boy had given him. “You’re just weird, Kyuhyun, okay?” he says, telling him straight out. “We don’t… we don’t really want to be friends with you anymore.”

The words hit Kyuhyun harder than he had expected them too, and he pushes back tears (different tears than from the ones he had when he had asked that girl to be his lab partner, years ago) and nods to Chiyeon. “Oh. Okay then.” He doesn’t know what else to say.

Chiyeon walks away, and Kyuhyun stares at his retreating back.

 

*

 

“Practice your clarinet!” his mom yells. Kyuhyun looks up from his eighth grade homework and frustration is ringing in his head, and he just wants to run away now, he wants nothing but to run away.

“I’m busy doing my homework!” he screams back, and averts his eyes back to his computer screen, trying to focus themselves on the Zergs and the Terrans.

“Ahra! Get your brother to practice his clarinet!”

Kyuhyun rolls his eyes at his mother’s command, but soon enough, his older sister is marching down the stairs and all of a sudden, a hand appears on the lid of his laptop and shuts it closed.

“Hey!” Kyuhyun says, glaring at Ahra. “What do you think you’re doing?”

“Mom told you to practice your clarinet,” Ahra hissed. “So  _go do it_.”

Kyuhyun stares at her for a moment, and they have the briefest of staring contests. But finally, Kyuhyun just shakes his head annoyedly, nods his head down, and mutters, “Fine.” He pushes back Ahra, making sure to shove her into the couch before marching off towards his clarinet.

 

*

 

Kyuhyun gives up on trying to make  _him_  and Chiyeon talk to him again, and instead gets himself addicted to Starcraft. He knows it’s not a good thing, and he knows that he should be focusing on studying—but he gets good marks on most of his subjects, anyways, and he’s hardly trying. So he decides that this is good enough.

They’re in church again, and shortly after the worship team performs and Kyuhyun sings with his brothers and sisters in Christ, but not his friends, he quickly excuses himself to go to the bathroom and instead makes his way outside of the warm church and into the cool, frosty air.

The snow on the ground stares and twinkles at him while Kyuhyun marches around, hands shoved into his jacket pockets. He’s about five-four now, and his growth spurt is hitting harder than ever—but he feels like he’s getting smaller and smaller, weaker and weaker, more insignificant. He thinks to all the friends he has, but then remembers— _ha, I don’t have any friends_. He has those he talks to and sits with and hangs out with outside of school on occasion, but he has no friends in church, no friends in school, no friends in his family. He feels cold, so cold, and no one is here to warm him.

Kyuhyun stares at the snow and his fingers dangle over the flakes and he traces words into the white, staining them.

_I feel so alone, and no one knows._

 

*

 

In class, he answers another question right and his teacher rewards him with a smile. Kyuhyun smiles back, because he’s hiding behind it.

Sungki and Chiyeon snigger behind him, and Kyuhyun does his best to ignore them. He holds his smile high, he holds his nose high, and he doesn’t give a damn if he falls.

Four hours later, after school, he comes home and sees his father at the kitchen table, talking to his mother. Kyuhyun disregards his mother completely as he runs up to him, calling out, “Dad!”

His dad turns around, and he laughs, smile wide on his face. “Kyuhyun! You’re home from school! I didn’t hear you there!”

“I know; I’ve been working on my being quiet,” Kyuhyun says cheerfully, and his dad smiles.

“Wow! You’re becoming so tall now!” he says, measuring the distance between their foreheads with his eyes.

“Five-six,” Kyuhyun tells him proudly, and wishes his father would hug him.

“Good job son! You’re becoming a real man now!” his father tells him, and his mother watches on with tears burning in her eyes.

 

*

 

“Chiyeon,” Kyuhyun whispers on a day that Sungki isn’t there. “I need to tell you something.”

Chiyeon turns around and glares at him; they haven’t talked in two years, and Kyuhyun assumes that he’s wondering what he wants with him  _now_.

“What?”

“Sungki, you know, he.” Kyuhyun glances around briefly to make sure that their teacher is on another side of the classroom. “He thinks you’re an asshole.” It’s true, he knows, because Chiyeon hasn’t changed from four years ago, and neither has Sungki.

Sungki narrows his eyes at him. “You’re lying,” he sneers. “Trying to pit us against each other? Don’t lie.”

“It’s true!” Kyuhyun tries to protest, but then quickly softens his voice. “It really is true,” he says with all the sincerity he can muster. “Back when we—when we were still talking, he told me.” His eyes are all honesty, and Kyuhyun hopes that he can see them.

Chiyeon stares at him, not knowing if he should believe him or not.

 

*

 

“You are such a  _dick_ ,” says a voice behind him.

Kyuhyun turns around at the sudden noise, away from his computer, and sees his sister glaring at him, her hand grasping onto his shoulder. Her eyes are red and puffy.

“Why are you crying?” he asks, mostly out of interest rather than worry.

“ _Because_ ,” she says. “You’re acting like such an asshole to Mom and you’re only nice around us whenever Dad’s home! Why are you acting like this? This isn’t the real  _you_!”

At these words, Kyuhyun slaps her hand away and Ahra lets out a little cry. Kyuhyun glares at her and feels something clutching at the inside of his chest.

“This is all that’s the real me,” he says to her menacingly. “Deal with it.”

 

*

 

Kyuhyun sees Sungki and Chiyeon talking in the hallway, and their voices are loud enough for him to hear. He does his best to linger at his locker so he can hear clearly what they are saying.

“Of course not, why would I ever say something like that about you?” Sungki is replying to his friend. “You’ve been my best friend for how long now, Chiyeon? He’s obviously lying; why would you believe him?”

“Yeah. He probably was,” Chiyeon agrees. “I don’t even know why I considered it.”

When they pass by Kyuhyun, Sungki does his best to ram Kyuhyun’s head to the metal door he’s holding onto. Kyuhyun manages to duck and avoid his forehead, though his lip gets cut.

 

*

 

Kyuhyun watches as his mother speaks with his father on the phone. His mother looks tired and impatient, though she’s speaking loving words to her husband. At the sight of Kyuhyun’s dark eyes pleading and begging again, she sighs and says, “Hold on, Kyuhyun wants to talk to you.”

Eagerly, Kyuhyun cradles the phone in his hand, and brings the speaker to his ears. “Dad?” he says, his lips brushing against the cool plastic.

“Kyuhyun!” his dad’s voice says energetically. “It’s so good to hear from you again! I’ll be coming home in two weeks, don’t worry!”

“I’m not worried,” Kyuhyun says. He twirls the phone cord in his fingers. “Um, do you think you can get me the new program of Starcraft? It just came out and I really want it…”

“Sure!” is his dad’s reply. Kyuhyun grins even wider.

“Okay, thanks! I love you!” he says, and then quickly hands the phone back to his mother before running to the living room to return to his computer. As he settles down into the leather, he misses his father’s strong arms around him.

 

*

 

She’s the fourth girl to ask him out and Kyuhyun rejects her boredly, only slightly politely. She turns away dejectedly, and Kyuhyun briefly flashes back to the third grade.

He shakes these thoughts out of his mind and turns his attention back to the pastor, who’s started speaking to the entire congregation. He tells them that God created us because he loved us, and he still loves us even though we sin. God just wants us to go to heaven, and that’s why he brought down his son, Jesus—so he can sacrifice him, and so that we can go to heaven and join him. All we have to do is believe, and live as much of a Christian life as we can. We come to church because Christianity is all about community, it’s all about sharing God’s word.

Kyuhyun wonders why he’s here, because he has no friends here, he has no friends anywhere, and he wonders if he deserves to go to heaven at all. He glances back to the girl he had rejected, and he sees that she and her friend are talking in hushed undertones, occasionally sending him glances. He coughs under his breath and haughtily turns away, facing the pastor again, and something strikes him in the heart.

 

*

 

Once Ahra has left for college, Kyuhyun takes this as an indication that he can do whatever the hell he wants. He ignores his mother’s constant naggings and eventually just lies to her and tells her he’s studying when really he’s doing nothing but playing computer games. (It isn’t just Starcraft, either; he’s found other games as well, and he’s addicted to them too. He’s also found his love for dramas.)

After a worship team session in his church, one of the youth members in the pews comes up to him with a small smile on his face. “You’re really good at singing,” he says to Kyuhyun, and Kyuhyun smiles and passes it off with a thanks; he’s heard this too many times. But the boy presses on.

“Do you want to be in our band?” he asks Kyuhyun.

Kyuhyun thinks about his options. Well, he wastes his life watching dramas and playing computer games all day (and he’ll probably never use the strategies he’s gained). He doesn’t study. His mom seems to hate him, he hardly sees his dad, and he doesn’t listen to his sister just because he doesn’t feel like it, even though she’s not around anymore.

Kyuhyun shrugs, and nods. “Sure. I’ll join your band.”

 

*

 

He plays in the band for a while, though all he does is sing, so he doesn’t have a large role. The other members smile and encourage him to be enthusiastic, but Kyuhyun just smiles wanly and thinks about nothing.

Later after a practice, Kyuhyun is walking home, staring at his feet down the sidewalk and thinking about everything. He thinks about his life, how it’s so simple and boring but not simple and boring at all. He thinks about school, how he’s a good student who answers everything correctly and is polite to mostly everyone; he thinks about family, and how he’s the stubborn child, the black sheep that rebels against every command, and it’s only when his father is around when he’s actually happy for a few moments. He thinks about friends, and how he has none, he has no  _real_  friends—all his current “friends” care about him, yes—but they don’t know him, they don’t want to know him. He thinks about church, and how he’s so insignificant in it even though he sings for the entire congregation, and he smiles and pretends that God loves him. He thinks about everything, about how he’s just nothing, about how he’s just full of shit and he wears a mask everywhere, and all he does is pretend.

He stops at the front door of his house and doesn’t want to go inside, because this isn’t his home.

 

*

 

The band tells him that he’s good enough to enter into singing competitions, and even though Kyuhyun has never really thought too much about music (other than listening to it all the time and singing it in the shower, dancing to it in his room and constantly having it on while he plays the computer), he goes by their wishes and urges and decides to try for the Chin Chin Singing Competition when he’s a senior in high school.

He’s as nervous as fuck and he’s swearing under his breath, and when it’s finally it’s his turn to sing, he steps out onto the stage, and he’s pretty sure the microphone’s going to slip from his clammy palms as he takes a deep breath. All the words and the music flow out of his lips even though he’s hardly practiced, and he just sings and gets himself lost in the melody, and he forgets everything. He forgets his life, he forgets the people around him, he forgets himself, and he just sings.

When he’s done, it’s quiet—but only for a millisecond. Applause and claps explode and fill his ears, and Kyuhyun feels like he’s going deaf, like he’s in a dream when he finally steps off the stage and makes his way to the back, alone. He feels so high, so energetic—but he tells himself to calm down, because they probably only clapped because they liked the song, but not his singing. He tames the butterflies in his stomach, and sits on the bench alone, listening to the others singers sing and wondering where the hell his life is going.

Then it’s the awards, and Kyuhyun decides to leave because he doesn’t want to sit here and continuously feel more and more lowered down. He picks up his messenger bag and starts towards the exit, when suddenly—

“And in third place, Cho Kyuhyun!”

Stunned at hearing his name, Kyuhyun turns around and blinks around the empty waiting room. Was that really him? Or had he imagined it? He stops and stares at the white walls around him, not sure what to do, not sure what to say, not sure how to feel.

“Hey!” A head suddenly pokes into the room and spots him. “You’re him! You’re Cho Kyuhyun! Get out here and get your prize!”

Kyuhyun finds himself being dragged back out onto the stage and an award is shoved into his hands, and there’s not a smile plastered on his face, but just a bewildered thin line; he feels like he’s walking in his own mind, but this isn’t a fantasy—this is reality, and Kyuhyun can’t believe it. Music rings in his ears, and Kyuhyun feels like he’s floating.

 

*

 

Kyuhyun remembers that when he had gotten home that night, his mother had run up to him and hugged him (so nicely) and congratulated him and cried on him and all of a sudden Kyuhyun wonders why he had ever been angry at her. His sister calls him to congratulate him as well, with a knowing little, “I knew you could do it, little brother,” as if she was referring to so much more than just his singing. His father calls him next, and then his bandmates and the people he hangs out with at school and they’re all congratulating him and making him feel happy. Kyuhyun feels like he’s happy, and even if they’re only doing it because he’s successful, he doesn’t care because he just wants to cherish this moment.

Still, it quickly goes away that night, and then he continues on with his life like he always has been. The congratulations from his teachers and his classmates die down, and he’s nothing but another student again. At nights he just lies in bed, tossing and turning between his covers, and regrets ever being happy.

He received a phone call at three in the morning a week later, and wonders who the hell is calling him at this time. He glances at his phone and sees that it’s an unfamiliar number, and wants to just ignore it; but another part of him gives him the energy to get it, so he picks up the phone.

“Hello?” he says, voice raspy.

“Hello? Is this Cho Kyuhyun?” There’s shuffling on the other end.

“Yeah,” Kyuhyun replies, feeling slightly annoyed.

“This is SM Entertainment.”

All of a sudden, Kyuhyun quickly gets up from his bed, at the sound of these words. His head is spinning; SM Entertainment? The music company? He blinks and stares at his hands in the dark, making sure that they’re still there.

“We called because we were at the Chin Chin Singing awards,” continues the voice on the other end, “and we saw your excellent singing. We would like to have you in the entertainment company, possibly as a member of one of our project groups?”

“I—ah— _me_?” Kyuhyun tries to wrap his head around this fact. “I, ah. Yes! I mean. Uh. Sure.” He clears his throat, and realizes it’s not exactly in its best condition. “Yeah. I’d want to.”

“Sounds excellent.” The voice is crisp, and Kyuhyun can hear the scribbling of pen on a paper. “We’re glad to recruit you, Cho Kyuhyun.”

 

*

 

Kyuhyun can’t remember the events over the next few days, because they’re all just a blur to him—at first, he goes on with his life, wondering if the phone call still replaying in his mind had just been a dream—but it proves not to be. He’s eating dinner alone with his mother when the doorbell suddenly rings, and there’s an agent from the entertainment company, and all of a sudden Kyuhyun is explaining all of this to his mother and his mother looks like she’s going to cry as she leans in to hug Kyuhyun’s six-one stature. The agent smiles and asks politely if they can follow along, please? and all of a sudden they’re in a whirlwind of flashy cars, professional terms and legal issues.

Kyuhyun’s father calls halfway, and Kyuhyun tells him what happens as well. Kyuhyun can’t quite remember his father’s exact words as he always had been able to (but this was an exceptional event, ever so exceptional) but at first he’s discouraging, wanting him to go into education as he had always been—but he’s accepting, in the end. Kyuhyun grins as he hangs up, and can feel the grasshoppers jittering in his stomach.

The Entertainment agent tells him that he’ll be joining one of their project groups for quite a while, that Kyuhyun will be the thirteenth member (“Thirteen? That’s a lot of people,” his mother had said, while Kyuhyun was just stunned). Kyuhyun nods eagerly and for the first time in his life, he feels stupid with happiness.

 

*

 

When he goes to school for the last time, he looks at the students around him and he wonders where they’re going. He realizes that after this, after all of this, his future is suddenly laid out in front of him whereas he has classmates who don’t even know what they’re doing the next year. He thinks about how he’s going to be a pop idol (no, don’t get too full of yourself) while everyone else is going to continue on with their own lives, be nobody.

He passes by Sungki and Chiyeon who ignore him completely, and a small part of him feels proud, and then sorry. He remembers that he’s supposed to be wearing a mask, before wondering who he is, and who he’s going to become.

 

*

 

“I don’t actually know where I’m going,” Kyuhyun murmurs to himself as walks down the hall of the large building. The other SM trainees turn around to look at him, because they’re all supposed to know where they’re going—to the practice room of their respective new groups—but he just ignores them, because only he knows what he’s talking about.

When he steps in front of the door, he takes a deep breath before stepping in. He’s new here; all the others know each other and he knows no one. He must brace himself with a new challenge, and tells himself that he can take it even though he’s never been able to take any challenges in his life.

He hears that the noises in the room stop once the door creaks open; a voice says, “That must be the new member.” Kyuhyun peeks behind the wooden door to see that twelve pairs of eyes are staring at him, and he doesn’t know what to say.

He finally steps in fully and then shuts the door behind him. They stare at each other for a long time; Kyuhyun on one side, the twelve older men on the other. Kyuhyun’s lost for words, as the band stares him up and down, sizing him up.

Then suddenly a short man remarks, “Wow, he’s kind of tall for being the magnae.” The others laugh and yell at him; Kyuhyun breathes a sigh of relief. They don’t seem to hate him, and that’s always good. Maybe they’ll just end up being like his schoolmates.

 

*

 

Kyuhyun can’t learn their names at first—he’s introduced with real names, and then stage names. There’s Jungsu/Leeteuk, Hankyung, Heechul, Jongwoon/Yesung, Youngwoon/Kangin, Sungmin, Donghee/Shindong, Hyukjae/Eunhyuk, Donghae, Siwon, Ryeowook and Kibum. But sometimes Kyuhyun finds himself wondering which hyung is which and was Hyukjae Leeteuk or was that Youngwoon, and was Heechul older than Hankyung or did they just naturally act like that?

“Hey Kyuhyun!” Leeteuk—it was Leeteuk, right?—laughs from the other side of the dorm that Kyuhyun’s already moved into. “Come on, join us in getting Hankyung to cook us Beijing Fried Rice! He’s Chinese, you know!”

Kyuhyun smiles a little, and shakes his head, though he doesn’t think the man had seen him. He turns his attention back to the book in his hands, and he feels so weird being in a new place, with new people. This isn’t his life, and he’s just creating a new mask. Already a week, and he feels like he’s creating a new stale, boring routine.

Even though his bandmates seem to be interested in him, he doesn’t care about them at all.

 

*

 

“Kyuhyun-sshi! Come on, get to know us better!” Kangin nudges him on the couch and grins down at him, voice loud in Kyuhyun’s ears. “You’re the new one here, and we want to know more about you!”

“It’s okay hyung.” Kyuhyun pulls on a fake smile (or at least, he calls it a fake smile) and shrugs. “I’m busy, see?” He points to the laptop in front of him. “But maybe later.”

“Oh, but when  _is_  later, then? Come on!” Kangin pushes him again. “All you do is sit at that computer all day! You’ve been here for two weeks and you’ve done nothing with us aside from going to practices and rehearsals! Did you just want to join Super Junior 05 to skip school, kid? Come on, this isn’t study hall!”

Something hits Kyuhyun suddenly and he remembers that he’s not part of the group yet, no, not yet—so why is he trying to put on this mask? Oh right, because he’s only been wearing masks his whole life. So he tries on another façade and simpers at Kangin.

“I’m sorry, hyung,” he says, “but not right now, okay?” He returns to his computer, and the sigh that Kangin lets out reminds him of his mother’s.

 

*

 

“You’re Kyuhyun, right?” The man standing before him is about an inch or so younger than him, with choppy black hair falling handsomely to his eyes. “The new kid?”

Kyuhyun’s annoyed at his use of the word “kid”, and wonders who else he could be. “Yes,” he says shortly, and then makes to move his way past him.

But the man continues standing in his way, and Kyuhyun tries to recall his name, but fails. “Hyung,” he says as not-awkwardly as he can. “Can—Can I—?”

“Can you have a tour around the dorms? Of course you can!” The man grabs Kyuhyun’s wrist and cheerfully leads him on, and annoyedly, Kyuhyun stumbles and follows. “That’s mine, Ryeowook and Kangin’s room, and that’s Hyukjae’s room. You know where you and Sungmin sleep already—but let’s go to the other dorms!” He bounds along, down the halls and exits the dorm. Kyuhyun briefly considers abandoning him, but decides that that’d be rude, so he follows.

They go up the stairs and to the next floor, and the man who’s with him (Kyuhyun’s trying to decide if he’s Heechul or Yesung—he can’t quite remember) opens the door up. He’s greeted with shouts and calls (oh, so he  _is_ Yesung) and Yesung smiles at them, before telling them that he’s giving Kyuhyun a tour of the dorms. All of a sudden, Kyuhyun finds himself being yanked along and bombarded with questions.

He tries to pull away at first, but has no success; he tries to get them to be quiet by yelling, “Stop!” but they’re all speaking so loudly that they don’t hear him at first.

“Stop!  _Stop_!  _STOP_!”

They all stop and turn to look at him and Kyuhyun is breathing heavily. He wants to cry because he’s so aggravated and frustrated and he never asked for this when he signed that contract.

“Can you all just stop?” he asks tiredly. It’s weird, being quiet with twelve other men, but he ignores the tension. “I never asked for this. I just wanted peace. I just wanted to be alone.”

He leaves the dorm, with twelve pairs of eyes staring at his retreating back, and Kyuhyun tries not to think of his past.

 

*

 

A few days later, Kyuhyun enters his dorm and sees his roommate sitting on his bed (the only one in the room, as compared to Kyuhyun’s sleeping bag on the floor), staring at a bunny resting in his lap. At first, Kyuhyun thinks its real, until he realizes that it’s fake.

He and his roommate–Sungmin, was it?—had never spoken too much before. But when Kyuhyun looks at Sungmin closely, he sees that tears are streaking down his face and he’s immediately worried.

“Hyung?” he asks carefully, and the word comes out awkwardly between his lips (he’s never been used to calling people hyung before.)

“Oh! Kyuhyun-ah!” Sungmin quickly wipes his eyes and glances up to him. “I didn’t see you before!” He starts to get up from his bed. “I-I’ll be leaving now, if you don’t want me here.”

“No, no hyung, don’t.” Kyuhyun lightly pushes him back down on the bed, and looks to Sungmin’s dark brown eyes. “What’s wrong? Why are you crying?” He tries not to think of all the reasons he’s cried before, and even though he’s never thought too much about his bandmates, he knows not to abandon someone when they’re crying.

Sungmin quickly shakes his head and makes another attempt to dry his eyes. “I-It’s nothing,” the older man murmurs, though his voice is thick and Kyuhyun knows he’s lying.

At a loss for words, Kyuhyun suddenly reaches over and hugs him. It’s an awkward hug and his arms don’t really fit around the other man’s shoulders too well, but Sungmin suddenly stops, surprised at the action. Kyuhyun continues hugging him, in a hope that he’ll be all right, in a hope that he’ll stop crying—because all Kyuhyun has ever wanted when he had cried before, was just a hug. Just a single hug.

But Sungmin curls into his arms and rests his head on his shoulder, and Kyuhyun feels like for the first time, he’s being a friend.

 

*

 

“We’re missing one person!”

“It’s Kyuhyunnie!”

“ ‘Kyuhyunnie’? Hyung, when did you start calling him  _that_?”

“Ever since he said I could—”

“Ha, Yesung, I doubt he ever let you call him  _that_. Sungmin, maybe, but not _you_ —”

“Oh, shut up Heechul.”

Kyuhyun listens as the rest of them laugh and a chuckle manages to escape out of his lips. He isn’t himself with these men yet—he’s never been himself, because he’s changing day to day (he’s like when he’s at school, when he’s at home, when he’s with his dad, when he’s at church—who is he, anyways?)—but there’s an odd comfort that they all manage to exert, that each and every one of them exerts.

Kangin notices that Kyuhyun has laughed and laughs as well, though loudly. “See? He’s listening to us! He wants to join in!” He runs over to Kyuhyun and pulls on his forearm. “Come on, magnae, join us!”

“No.” Kyuhyun shakes his head, not removing his eyes from the computer screen in front of him. “Watching drama.”

“Look how his answers are so short!” Kangin laughs loudly again. “ ‘No. Watching drama.’” He mimics Kyuhyun’s tone of voice and the others laugh, and Kyuhyun stifles a snort as well.

“Oh, come on Kyuhyunnie,” says another voice (though it’s not Yesung’s), and Kyuhyun turns his head to see large eyes. Instinct tells him that it’s Donghae. “Just join us for once, please?”

Kyuhyun stares at him, and sees that Donghae is just pure, is just innocent, with good intentions, he’s always had good intentions. Kyuhyun feels slightly jealous of him, but he shakes this feeling off; his face suddenly breaks into a smile as the others gather around him as well.

“Sure,” he says, and they all let out a cheer.

 

*

 

“We like to play this game a lot,” Leeteuk tells Kyuhyun enthusiastically. “Basically, what you do is—”

“I think he knows how to play it already, Teukie. Stop trying to make it seem like you’re in charge all the time,” Kangin says teasingly.

Leeteuk turns around and sticks his tongue out at the other man, which seems like a strange habit for the leader of their group. “But I  _am_  in charge all the time—”

“Well, technically Siwon is since he can call the shots while threatening us,” Ryeowook chimes in amusedly.

“But Kibummie can be as well! See?” Donghae pokes the man who’s only slightly older than Kyuhyun. Kibum lets out a girlish squeal, and everyone stops for a moment and turns to him, laughing.

Kyuhyun’s laughing too; he’s laughing so hard that his body, his heart hurts. “Can we stop talking now?” he says to them. “Or else we’ll never get around to the game!”

He knows he’s smiling when all the others look at him, surprised but pleased. Eunhyuk says, “Sure,” and Donghae reminds  _him_  that he’s not in control either.

They all laugh, and Kyuhyun joins in. There’s a strange feeling in the bottom of his stomach, and it’s new to him—he’s experiencing it for the first time—but for the first time, he doesn’t feel a weight dangling inside of him. He feels like he’s finally let it go, he’s finally let his life go, and he’s here, he’s found somewhere to stay.

 

*

 

Kyuhyun’s sure, he’s so sure that he’s grown accustomed to living with these men, if only for a month or so; but he’s become a part of their daily routine, and they’re used to him and treat him as if he’s been around since the beginning. Kyuhyun forgets about his past, and his life is nothing but Super Junior, for now. The fans of the original Super Junior 05 have mixed emotions about him, but Kyuhyun doesn’t really care; at his first appearance, a news broadcast, all the other members did the talking and he just watched from the shadows, and it was good enough for him.

Kyuhyun steps out on stage, debuts with Super Junior for the first time at the end of May, and doesn’t think too much about it; as he settles along backstage, he watches his hyungs talk and tease each other and pulls a smile to his face. He doesn’t know who he is or how to feel, but he’s okay with this, he’s kind of okay with this.

They step out on stage and dance like they’ve always rehearsed, and Siwon sings the first line, as usual. Kyuhyun watches and does everything he’s done at practice, precise, even if not perfect. He doesn’t pay attention to the lights or the audience or the sounds around him—until he hears a chant that is repeating in the crowd. He can’t quite make it out at first, but then it becomes clear as day.

They’re jeering for Kyuhyun to get off the stage, and Kyuhyun feels something hit his heart. They don’t want Kyuhyun here with these twelve other men, and another pang strikes his stomach. They don’t want him here, ruining the perfection, ruining the perfection that these twelve men had had before, because he is the thirteenth, and he doesn’t deserve to be here. All of a sudden, Kyuhyun is lost on stage, and his eyesight blurs—he can’t see.

The others notice, he knows, so Kyuhyun just blinks and pretends that nothing is wrong. But he can feel pain lurching inside of him, as his entire past comes rushing back to him—all the times he had snapped at his mother, because he wasn’t okay with what she gave him even though she had given him all she could. All those times where he tried to befriend the students that didn’t even want to give a time of their life to him, and had only used him for entertainment—why had he been so childish, so foolish? All those times when his father knew that he wasn’t the perfect son he acted like he was, and just wanted him to grow up and be a better man. All those times when his sister had yelled at him because she knew what was good for him, and he had just brushed her off. All those times where he answered a question correctly in class, and the teachers had assumed he was a proper student when he only slacked all day. All those times where he sat outside of church, wondering, wanting, feeling nothing but cold and lost and alone, nothing but alone.

And he is alone now as he is on stage, and they, he, everyone wants him to be alone. He pushes back the tears in his eyes and his mouth and his heart and feels nothing, nothing but alone.

 

*

 

Once the show is over, he runs to the dorm and locks himself in his room, and finds that something is dripping from his eyelids. One, two, three drops fall down and he shoves his palm over his lips and stifles sobs so he’s not too loud. He wets his pillow and wants this to end, wants all of this to end.

He hears the other members coming in soon enough, and they’re mumbling in worry—Kyuhyun can hear that they’re talking about him. He wants them to stop, because he’s not worth their time, he’s not worth any of their time, because he’s staining everything that they had been, and he knows that they’d be so much better off without him. He stains his shirt like he’s stained them, and he cries, cries, crying. They don’t want him anymore, they don’t deserve him—they’ve never deserved him because they deserve so much more, whereas he’s just a meager kid who means so little to them. They are a family, and he is nothing.

“Kyuhyun?” He hears one of the hyung’s voices on the other side of the door, and Kyuhyun doesn’t bother trying to remember who it is. There’s a knock, and Kyuhyun buries his head deeper into his pillow. “Kyuhyun? Are you all right?”

Kyuhyun doesn’t answer, and instead wants to stop crying and wants to stop this pain in his chest. Flashes of his mother and him fighting go through his mind; flashes of Ahra insisting that he should get off the computer go through his mind; flashes of Sungki and Chiyeon jeering at him go through his mind; and Kyuhyun whimpers.

“Kyuhyun?” The door creaks open, and Kyuhyun wants whoever it is to go away, because he knows he doesn’t care about him, because he’s just Kyuhyun, he’s just a piece of dust drifting in the wind, soon to be abandoned, soon to be forgotten.

He peers up through the tears and eyelashes and sees Sungmin, he sees Leeteuk and Donghae, he sees Eunhyuk and Kangin. He sees Hankyung and Ryeowook and Siwon and Heechul, he sees Shindong and Kibum and Yesung. They’re all coming towards him, and Kyuhyun feels hands on his shoulders, on his back, on his body, and all of a sudden they’re all enveloping him. Arms are wrapping around him, holding him tightly, and Leeteuk is whispering,  _”We still love you,”_  while Siwon murmurs,  _”This is your home,”_ and Donghae is crying with him. They’re all holding him, holding him so tightly, holding him together, and Kyuhyun feels like his heart is whole, and he is with himself.

Kyuhyun breaks down onto them, and cries tears of joy.


End file.
